


Of Pills And Letters

by AshynnaStarlight



Series: Original Content [4]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst, Depression, Friendship, Future Doesn't Look So Bleak, Gen, Hope, Love, Overdosing, Suicide Attempt, Surviving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-25 17:34:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3819028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshynnaStarlight/pseuds/AshynnaStarlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I've tried so hard, but it was out of my hands now. All my hard work had been for nothing, and I just want to sleep. I'm so tired.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Good Night

**Author's Note:**

> I almost never write stuff like this but this scene has been on my mind for a while and I needed to get it out of my system so I could work on my regular stuff again.

“You sure?” I glanced back, watching Noah sit casually in my chair while I combed my hair. He looked the picture of ease, but I knew him long enough to see the tension in the lines of his face.

          “Yes, I'm sure. I'm just tired.” He got up, strolling towards me and squeezed my shoulder soft – looking at me through my mirror.

          “We could cancel the concert. I could stay here with you.” My chest ached, I forced my hands not to shake as I touched his hand. It was almost as if he cared more about me than just friends. I knew it was just a mere dream. He couldn't care about women like that, his past making that impossible. It killed me from the inside out, unable to help him and knowing my feelings would never be returned. Everything had started to fall apart around me.

          “You can't, and you don't have to. People are waiting for you, Fox is waiting for you.” I knew he would do anything for my twin, they were as close as Fox and I used to be. I forced a smile on my face as I brush my fingers against his muscular jaw, trying to appear normal while I was dead on the inside.

          “Ella?” Noah asked wary, his pale silver-eyes watching me like a hawk. “Are you okay?” I almost cracked, almost told him how lost I was. But the words stayed stuck in my throat. Instead, I faked another smile. I took his hand and pressed my lips against his palm, looking at him through the mirror.

          “I'm fine. Don't worry about me,” I lied through my teeth, the coldness spreading from my heart. “You're a good man, never forget that.” My words took him by surprise, his fingers twitching against my lips as his body stiffened – ink black darkness flashing through his eyes.

          “I'm a bastard.”

          “If you are, then so am I.” Especially for what I was planning to do. He wanted to protest but I arched my eyebrow. “You are a good man, Noah. Much better than you give yourself credit for. You've been such a loyal friend to Fox, Andrew, Dain, and especially to me. Please never forget that.”

          His other hand tightened on my shoulder. “Ella, why are you talking like this?” His stoic mask was cracking. A vulnerable light I usually only saw when I held him at night, chasing away his nightmares.

          “Because you need to hear it, and I haven't said it enough times how important you are. I want you to be happy.”

          “I'm happy.”

          “And you're a fucking liar,” I shot back calmly, my hand still holding his. “You're a good man, Noah. Fuck your parents. Mine were non-existing as well. And you never saw me as anything less, right?” But you never saw me as a woman. Nevertheless, his friendship kept me going for so long. But I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to sleep.

         “True…” He sounded so wary, his whole body stiff like a board.

          “Then please think better of yourself. We love you so much, Noah. Never forget that. We love you.” I love you.

          “You know you can tell me anything, you know that?” He stroked my cheek.

          “I know.” But I can't. “Now, off you go. Charm some panties off.” That made him laugh, and I got up – kissing his cheek soft. I inhaled his scent, for one last time.

          He hugged me fiercely, almost like he didn't want to let me go. “You are sure you don't want me to stay.”

          “I'm sure.” Good bye my darling Noah. Don't be too sad for too long. I hope you'll be happy soon. I led him to the door, acting calm and collected as he watched me wary.

          “Call me if you need anything, or call Terra.” I merely smiled and kissed his cheek again, feeling his tightly on my arms.

          “Give Foxy Fox and co. my love,” I asked, and he nodded – still looking at me, still trying to read me.

          “See you later tonight,” he promised, and the coldness spread more. We will never see each other again. I give him a small nod, and he left – looking back a few times. My fingers trembled as I raised my hand in a wave, closing the door.

          The moment the door clicked shut, I broke. A strangled cry echoed through the air, my legs giving out of me as it _hurt so much._ Everything hurt, taking my breath away. The ice inside of me burned my nerves, my back and legs ached in scalding pain. My fingers clawed the door, my eyes hot with tears.

          I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't stand this pain anymore. Somehow, I managed to return to the bed – laying down as shocks moved through my body. This needed to stop. I couldn't take this ANYMORE!

Things started to go to hell a few months ago, well, to be truthful when I had that horrific car accident. I flinched as I smelled the scents of that day, burning plastic, gasoline, and blood.

          I had gotten over that though. I had managed to pull myself together with the help of my brother and my friends like Noah. Getting better than been so tough, painful as I learned how to walk again but I won. I fucking won. I danced again, becoming free again. Dancing was in my blood like singing was in my brother’s.

          I had felt whole again when I was on that stage, dancing like I used to. I felt myself again, reaping the rewards of three years of hard work.

          Sitting up, I looked at my hands. They trembled, shaking. My head pounded, the hole inside of me growing with the second.

          _If you dance again, you’ll never walk again._ The doctor’s words after I had collapsed a few weeks after my performance killed me. Everything I had worked for had been for nothing, absolutely nothing. My body had betrayed me.

          I had screamed, thrown with stuff and despaired. My mind snapped. I fought so hard and had lost it all. I couldn't fight anymore. The depression, the despair I had been able to fight off for months, years, finally won, and I had spiralled out of control.

          I am a failure. Fox and the others were better off without having such a weakling like me in their life. They always worried about me, trying to help me while they are working on their career, having their own problems and issues.

          Fox deserves a stronger sister, someone not as broken as I am. I couldn't take the pain in his eyes when he looks at me anymore, the helplessness when I have to use my cane again or barely can come out of bed.

          I would never be better again, always needing a cane, never able to dance again. I had lost all hope, all warmth and joy had leached out of me. I used to be their strength, now I feel like a façade of who I used to be, a burden, a block of concrete holding them down.

          My thoughts drifted to Noah, the coldness spreading even more. Noah, he deserves happiness and love. I couldn't help him anymore, I would only make things worse. Who would be able to love a broken doll like me? He was far out of my league.

          Hopelessness and endless fatigue consumed me, emptiness hollowing me. I pushed myself up, stumbling to my suitcase and took out the stack of letters I had written. My hands shook almost wildly as I placed them on the nightstand. They will understand. They will be happy to be finally done with me.

          They may be sad for a few days, maybe a few weeks but then they will be relieved to be rid of me – to be free. Yes, I'm setting them free. There was nothing left for me here, only misery and suffering. I had hurt them enough. No more. No more.

          Peace. Painless. Peace. Quiet, yes. Fuck yes I wanted that. This pain. Argh this pain. The next thing I knew I had two bottle of pills in my hands. New prescriptions. Painkillers and sleeping pills.

          Oblivion. I needed oblivion. It would all be over soon. Everyone would be free. Music filled the room, my eyes going to the little radio Noah has installed – so I could still hear their concert. My eyes closed, hearing my brother’s rough voice come to the speaker. They were having fun. They were living their dream. Free. Unworried. No burden from a crippled woman. Like their life should be.

          Fox would be free. He always protected me, held back by me. Yes, free. He would be free. The pills rattled in their bottles as I emptied them in my hands. I mindlessly started to swallow them, flushing them back with water as I kept telling myself this was best for everyone. Sleep. I was so tired. Tired of fighting. It didn't matter anyways. I didn't matter.

          Once I had swallowed all my painkillers and sleeping pills, I lie down in bed, getting comfortable. My body started to feel heavy, my mind hazy as I listened to the music. Sense of time escaped me, my eyes becoming heavy.

         

_Well, I know the feeling_

_Of finding yourself stuck out on the ledge_

I knew that song. They covered it a while back for some reason. They….it hadn't been…part of the set.

 

_And there ain't no healing_

_From cutting yourself with the jagged edge_

Fox sang. With Noah. There was something with their voices. Sounded different. Mmm. I yawned and snuggled back into the pillows. So tired.

          Fox scared. Noah scared. Soon they didn't have to be scared anymore. They would be free. I would be free.

          Buzzing. Annoying. Sound. Buzzing sound. My fingers wrapped around cold metal, twitching. Feeling numb.

 

_Click._

“Ella? Ella can you hear me.” A heavy voice. Male. Knew that voice.

          “Michael.”

          “Where are you, Ella?” Worry. Panic. Voice rough. Demanding.

          “I'm sleepy.” Fingers moved to end the call. I wanted to sleep. Sleep and find oblivion.

          “Don't you care hanging up. Don't you dare to asleep. Stay with me, Ella. Talk to me!” Fox sang. Urgent. Telling me he was reaching out.

          He was scared as hell. I could feel it in my chest, a sense of panic, of fear. But sleep. Sleep good.

          “Ella! Stay with me!” Iron voice. Commanding. “Where are you?” Arm heavy. Mmm. So sleepy. Just close my eyes. “ELLA!” Gabe thundered, startling me.

          “Michaael?”

          “Yes, Ella. Focus. Where are you?”

          “Hotel.”

          “What did you do, Ella?”

          “Sleep. So tired. I'm sorry. It's better. Sleep.”

          Voices. Someone else. My eyes were becoming so heavy. “Stay with me, Ella. Listen to me. I'm on my way. Hold on!”

          “Don't. It's better.”

          “It's not better, Ella. We need you. Your brother needs you. He's going insane on the stage, feeling something is wrong with you. We will fix this.”

          “Tired.”

          “I know, Ella. But we need you. Fox needs you. Noah needs you even…”

          “Noah no need.”

          “He does! He loves you. He won't survive losing you!” Tears ran down my cheeks, my body so cold and numb.

          “Can't. Can't.” Sleep. I'm so tired. My eyesight started to become hazy, my mind slipping away. My fingers twitch again and dropped the phone, too weak to pick it up. A voice roared through its speaker but it sounded so distant.

          Just going to sleep now. Yes. Sleep was good. Good bye Noah….I love you….My eyes closed and the darkness swallowed me.

 


	2. Good Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where am I? Was this heaven? It sounded too loud for heaven.

_Beep….beep….beep….beep….beep._

Where am I? Everything felt sore. This smell. I know this smell. My head. Ugh. My hand felt heavy, as something was holding it down. Something warm was wrapped around it.

          With difficulty, I opened my eyes – adjusting them to the faint light. This wasn't my hotel room. My eyes landed on the figure that half rested on my bed. His dark hair mess, eyes closed and his hand like a vice around my hand.

          “Fox?” I whispered, flexing my fingers. He sat up right a second later, his eyes on me. My chest felt heavy, being crushed as I saw the dark circles under his eyes, and his skin pale, a shabby bear growing on his face.

          “Ella.” Tears appeared in both our eyes as he crawled into bed with me, holding me close like he used to when we were children. “Fuck. I thought I had lost you. Fuck, Ella. Fuck.”

          He trembled as he crushed me against him, his hand in my hair to hold my head against his chest, and his other arm around me like a vice.

          “Don't leave me, sis. I can't live in a world without you. Who will make sure I don't pull any stupid stunts? Ella, fuck.” A sob tore through him, and I whimpered in sorrow. “Talk to me, sis. _Talk to me_!”

          “I'm sorry,” I cried, and he held me closer – rocking me back and forward. “I'm so sorry. I am so lost. I'm scared, Fox. My mind, I've no control over it anymore. I thought you and the rest would be better off without me.” Fox held me even tighter.

          “Don't apologise, Ella. I should have realised you were sliding away. I should have been there for you and fought for you like you've done with me. We’ll fix this. We’re not better off without you. I will never be better off without my sunshine.” He cried in my hair, holding me so close but it made me able to breathe again.

          “Do you know how this happened, what the catalyst was? I thought you were holding yourself together so well. How didn't I see you were in pain?” I touched his face, making him look at me.

          “Don't blame yourself, Fox. It's not your fault. I decided not to talk. I decided to hold it all inside of me. I decided to take those pills.” His green eyes were so dark with pain, echoing mine. But there was no ounce of pity or hatred, only pain and a determined glint.

          “The doctors had told me to stop dancing or I would never walk again.” Horror coloured his face, and he held me closer.

          “ ** _Fuck_**.” He exhaled sharply. “When did you hear it?”

          “Five weeks ago. When you had the NY show.” He swore a blue streak, his eyes closing as he tucked me closer. I knew that he had felt something was wrong with me, had felt me withdraw but had thought it wasn't anything bad. Had been busy dealing with some drama.

          “I should have been there.”

          “No, it's not…”

          “Shut up, Ella,” he hissed low. “I'm your older brother. I swore when we were children than I would take care of you, and I failed. Miserably. But I'll do better. We will get you through this.” I opened my mouth. “And don't dare telling me it's not my fault or my job. You're my sister. You've always been there for me, allow me to do the same for you.”

          I shut my mouth and laid against him more, closing my eyes as my body was worn out. He stroked my hair, his heartbeat calming down, and I felt him relax. “It will take time, Ella. But it will be okay. We will get through this,” he reassured me.

          “How is Noah?” I asked carefully after a little while, and Fox stiffened a bit. Ah oh.

          “He's a mess. You want me to get him?” I looked up at Fox.

          “You think he wants to see me?”

          “Yes he does. But he is pumping with adrenalin. I'll tell him not to shout too much.”

          “I deserve it.” Fox shook his head.

          “No. Yes, you should have told us. Yes, you should have come to us. But it is no use staying stuck in the past. We need to focus on helping you recover.”

          He got up, tucking me in and putting the bed up so I sat up. He brushed my hair back and pressed a kiss against my temple. “Holler if you need me.” I smiled with a nod, and he walked out of the room.

          It gave me the time to look around, seeing all the flowers and cards laying around. How long had I been out. I looked at my hands, seeing them tremble faintly. What have I done? Lying back, I sighed and dragged my hand over my face. What have I done? Fox may act okay, but God, I hurt him. Noah, oh god Noah.

          I heard footsteps and looked up. My throat tightened as Noah walked. He hadn't shaved, his clothes looked dirty and his golden hair a messy disarray. His eyes stared at me ice cold, and I clutched my sheets – frost chilling my veins.

          My heart beat so loud I could feel my ears throb. Noah stalked into the room, as graceful as a leopard as his fingers tightened into a fist.

          “You lied, Ella.” he growled low, eyes blazing with cold fire, and I flinched.

          “I couldn't handle it anymore.”

          “YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME!” He thundered, his voice like a whip, and I flinched. “I asked you. I fucking asked you what was going on, and you looked me in the eye and _lied_!”        

Tears burned my eyes, making me look away as my head throbbed, and pain lashing through my heart. “You should have told _me_ , Ella. I was right there. Asking you to let me in. I let you in so many times, why couldn't you? Why!”

The pain that tore through his voice made me look up crying. His face crumbled when he saw my tears, hands fisting at his sides. “I couldn't hurt you anymore. I couldn't hold you back any longer. I'm toxic, Noah.”

The next thing I knew, my face where in his hands, and he stared at me – feral sounds escaping his mouth. “You're not toxic! Fuck, Ella! How can you think that? How?”

“You're hurting right now. I did that. I wanted to go away so you all wouldn't hurt anymore.” His eyes turned dark, his fingers trembling against my skin as he stared pained at me.

“I'm hurting because I thought I had lost you. I should have stayed, should have tried and make you talk to me. Why didn't you, Ella. Why?”

“Because I couldn't.” My fingers curled around his shirt unconsciously, seeking his strength. “Noah, I couldn't hurt you anymore. I'm a burden. I'm a leech. I…”

“Stop!” He pulled me against him, kicking off his shoes and getting in bed with me. “Don't talk like that! Ella, fuck, please. Forgive me.”

“Why? You didn't do anything wrong.” He pulled me closer, almost onto his lap as his arms were like a vice around me, even tighter than my brother had. His breathing came out ragged, hoarse as his fingers dug into my skin.

“I yelled at you. I almost lost you, and the first thing I do when I see you again _alive and awake_ , I yell at you.” His fingers wound into my hair as he held my head close against his body, my fingers clutching his shirt as I inhaled his scent.

“I knew something was wrong. The way you talked, you were saying goodbye to me. I knew but I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe you were going to leave me. Don't leave me, Ella. Please don't,” he begged me hoarse, pain laced through his voice.

“Forgive me for leaving. Please. Please.” I buried my face into his shoulder as I began to try, feeling so sick. How could I have hurt him like this, how could I have put him through this?

“It's I who should beg for forgiveness. I couldn't handle it anymore. I am lost, Noah. My head, my body, my mind…they're failing me. I'm…I’m scared. Oh god, Noah, oh god I'm sorry!” I broke down in his arms, and he pulled me into his lap – sitting up and hold me fiercely. A different dam broke inside of me, my tears thick as they rolled down my cheeks. The pain, the darkness left my body with my tears as Noah held me tightly against him – being a rock for me.

“Forgive me. Oh god, forgive me, Noah,” I wailed as my whole body shook, he responded by holding me even tighter. His face was buried in my hair and absentmindedly, I felt wetness coating my hair.

We laid like this for a while, me crying into his shirt as he held me. His heartbeat ragged in his chest as the pain in my body which had been building up for so long finally left.

After what felt like eons, my sobs turned into sniffs, and I was able to breathe again.

“No, I'm so sorry.”

“I am the one who is sorry.” I looked up and my heart clenched when I saw the wet lines on his face, the anguish in his eyes. Pushing down my sleeves, I brushed away the wetness while sitting up. His arms remained around me as his large hand cupped my cheek.

“I knew something was going on. I should have dropped everything, called Fox and gotten you help. You have been there for me and I failed you.”

“Noah, no, please…”

“But that's the past now.” He locked eyes with me, staring intense at me. “We will get you help, the best help in the world. I won't leave your side ever again.” Both hands held my face right now, thumbs stroking my cheekbones. I had trouble breathing, but for a whole different reason than before. The words he said, did he mean…?

“Lean on me, Ella. Let me in. Let me be there for you,” he begged me, brushing my last tears away. “You're not alone. You've me.” My eyes drifted shut when he leaned forward, his lips pressed very carefully against my temple. I leaned into him, holding on to him as a feeling started to grow inside of me which I hadn't felt since my world burned down around me.

“I'm scared, Noah. I fucked up.”

“We can still fix it. Just let me in. Let me help you.” I nodded as his arms wrapped around me again.

“I’ll let you in. I'll seek help. I won't lie to you again.” A shudder went through him and tightened his hold, he exhaled sharply as he pressed his cheek against my temple.

“Thank you, Ella. It will be okay. You're not alone. Never again,” he promised fiercely, and I started to relax, melting against him as exhaustion hit me hard. “Get some sleep. I'm here. I'm never leaving again.” I nodded weakly, starting to drift off.

For the first time since what felt forever, I couldn't wait to wake up again.

_Hope. I started to hope again._


	3. Many Good Mornings Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything happens for a reason.

Sighing in pleasure, I laid back in my chair – my face raised to the sun. Such a wonderful warm day. I had missed this weather. Honestly, I wouldn't mind moving to some hot island and stay there the rest of my life.

          My fingers played absentmindedly with the rings around my left ring finger. I glanced at my phone but there weren't any new messages. He must still be making music with Fox. Pushing away the thoughts, I grabbed my notepad and started to write, music playing in the background.

          The soft breeze played with my hair as I felt at peace, the fragrance of flowers filling the air. My eyes wandered over the surroundings before me, the flower filled garden – our sanctuary. Maybe I should call Dane tonight and ask if he wanted to BBQ for us all. I'm sure the boys would like that. I wouldn't mind not cooking tonight.

          Everything came black as big hands covered my hands, a little yelp escaping my lips and a deep throat laugh filled the air. “Noah!” I swirled around, glaring at my highly amused husband as he removed his hands – that roguish smirk on his face.

          “Hello, love,” he purred as he bended forward, gripping my chin and gave me a kiss that made my toes curls. _I could have lost this before I ever had it._ “Missed me?” he murmured against my lips, making me smile as I kiss him back.

          “Always,” I whisper back honestly. We kissed for a few more moments, before he pulled back and straightened – his silver eyes watching me with a gentle light.

          “How is Duncan doing?” he asked warm as I put away my book.

          “Why don't you look yourself?” I answered playful as I looked at the basket next to my chair, our son sleeping soundly and the cap protecting him from the sunlight. Noah sat down beside me, wrapping his arm around me as he rested his chin on my shoulder.

          “We made him,” he whispered in awe, his strong hand taking mine, and he kissed the back of it.

          “Yes we did.” I leaned against him, feeling awed as well as our baby looked so at peace. _I almost threw this future away._

          “Ella, stop.” Noah kissed my cheek soft, rubbing his nose against my cheekbone. I smiled ruefully. He always knew when I thought back to that day. “Everything is alright now, you're okay now.” He took my hand again and kissed my wedding ring, his gleaming in the sun.

          “Thanks to you.”

          “Thanks to yourself, my darling. You pulled yourself together, you allowed yourself to get better again. You healed yourself. I was merely there holding your purse and watching you in awe.” I playfully jabbed his side and he pulled me closer, his lips pressed against my temple.

          “You helped. You, Fox, everyone else. I'm blessed to have such a support system. Thank you.” Noah took my chin between his fingers again, kissing me tenderly, and I smiled in joy.

          It has been five years since I tried to end my life and it has been hard, but fantastic too. I started to go to a therapist who helped me deal with my depression and the boys had stayed by my side the whole time. Especially Noah. As he had told me, he never left my side, making sure I went to therapy and held me when I had bad days.

          A year later, I had fully recovered and he took me out for dinner – just the two of us. There he told me he loved me, one of the most wonderful days of me lives and officially became a couple.

          We didn't wait long to get married. We’ve known each other since we were nine, why wait any longer? A smile appeared on my face as I thought back to that day, a fantastic chaos. Fox had looked like a proud peacock, giving me away and being Noah’s best man. It had been a wonderful day, only our close friends and family were there.

          Our joy was crowned by the birth of our son Duncan. Our precious little miracle. I had never before been so happy that I had stayed alive, he and Noah were my world.

          My husband kissed my cheek again, pulling me out of my thoughts and I smiled. “I was thinking about calling Dain and bribe him to BBQ for us.” Noah smirked, that mischievous smile that made my heart skip a beat.

          “That sounds like a wonderful plan, love. You could tell him that Duncan has tired you out. He's a sucker for that excuse.” I laugh, shaking my head amused.

          Duncan yawned and opened his eyes, making little noises when he spotted us. The look that appeared on Noah’s face could only be described as breathtaking. He lit up from the inside as his eyes became the palest of silver. He picked up our son and cradled him in his arms, cooing softly as he stroked the little chubby cheeks.

          “Should mama call Uncle Dain for some ribs, you want ribs?” He asked as Duncan held Noah’s finger in his chubby hands, crying out in glee.

          Noah smiled at me as he cradled Duncan even closer, wrapping his arm around me and pulled me close. I rested my head on his shoulder, softly stroking Duncan’s head – feeling at peace.

          _Who would have thought I would have this one day. I hadn't. But I was never going to throw it away again._


End file.
